2008 Ranger Apparel Now Available

In a moment of weakness due to an emotionally unstable day devoid of Tim Brannon's presence at Gio's, Rangers' head-honcho has announced that the team will finally don new uniforms in the upcoming 2008 season.

Evidently a distant-cousin of Matt Swary's jock, this new look for the Rangers will inevitably enhance the team's already prolific reputation for being the gayest bunch of drunks in the CMBA.

Every active Ranger has expressed some form of disdain to this announcement, at varying levels of disgust, except, inexplicably, Kevin Casey. To this point, Casey is the "Lone Ranger" to accept the change with open arms. Casey said, profoundly, "After a brief tenure back in California for the 2006 season, I was reminded how acceptable homoeroticism is in this day and age. It is a valuable sign of the changing times that we Rangers are so open with one another."

The Notre Dame University Graduate School of Business, in turn, rescinded Casey's admission in to the full-time MBA program. His academic records have been filed side-by-side with the Fab 5's lack-o-existence at the University of Michigan.

Isaiah Panatsis, the Rangers' emotional leader, had this to say: " ".

Profound.

No word yet on whether the new garb will be available for the winter meetings, or if CMBA commish Ron Markowicz will allow for such blatant disregard of the CMBA's standing uniform policy.

Congratulations James!

Mitchell Report Names 2 Chicago Rangers

A ex-trainer of the Chicago Rangers has reportedly leaked the names of 2 Rangers that will appear on the Mitchell Report today at 2:00 ET. According to the report, Rangers Chris Rivera and Matt Brooks will be amongst the names released as part of the Senator's investigation.

This news should come as no shock to anyone. These two ball players are perhaps 2 of the greatest physical specimens to ever don a Chicago Ranger uniform. Their rapid increase in size and offensive numbers can also possibly be explained now. In a game 2 seasons ago, the rage that steroids are known to produce came to head when the aforementioned pair were involved in an on-field skirmish with the Humboldt Park Red Sox in a game at Riis Park.

As part of the mandatory testing, all Rangers were required to submit a sample. According to court documents, Ranger slugger Isaiah Panatsis appears to be the only Ranger who did not submit a sample due to a "schedule conflict."

Chicago Rangers Offseason Plans!

GM and Team President Lucas Luecke has denied reports that the Chicago Rangers are close to signing Asian baseball sensation Kosuke Fukudome. "There is no truth to this rumor, at this time, the financial constraints set forth on this franchise preclude us from dedicating such a large percentage of payroll on one player" says Luecke. Fukudome is interested in playing in a major metropolitan area, and Chicago is right up his alley. The exposure he would receive from playing for a team in the area would be great, and any team that acquires him will have great media coverage, not only in the United states, but also in Japan. The signing of a marquee free agent could be just what the Rangers need after a successful 2007 season and could help propel them past the pesky Park Ridge Marlins in 2008!