Olympic News Break!

Our very own Lucas Luecke's quest for glory has ended! Luecke failed to make it to the medal stand after a sub-par performance in the much anticipated Hoolah Hoop finals at the 2008 Beijing Games. Luecke, a virtual unknown going into the games, surprised many in the preliminary rounds with stellar performances, despite the hostile Chinese crowd. Rival Hoopers were left stunned all week by Luecke's formidable hip gyrations. Luecke was unavailable for comment afterwards, but a close source had this to say, "After we ran out of Busch Light, it was all downhill." We leave you with this highlight of the competition.

The Return of Kelvis?

Updated (Finally!) Rangers Pitcher Count

For those who do not know, it has been a rough year for the Chicago Rangers. To soften the blow of the long arduous season, Ranger team members like to frequent establishments that serve refreshing libations. The much anticipated pitcher and tab totals are in for 2008:

144 Pitchers of Beer have been drunk

$ 2,074.00 has been added to the economy of Gio's and Hooter's of O'Hare

While the totals are not up to last years lofty totals, they are still respectable. The season high single day pitcher count stands at 14, which has been achieved three times this season.

For the Rangers who need energy

Next Game to be Chicago Rangers' 200th

The Chicago Rangers will reach a milestone when they play their next and 200th game. The Rangers look to celebrate game number 200 with a win against the Marlins at Winnemac Park on Sunday, July 20th.




Through the franchise's first 199 games, the Rangers are 107-92 (.538).




More Ranger franchise records:

Most games played versus any opponent: 23 games vs. Vikings (11-12)
Most games won versus any opponent: 14 wins vs. Electrons (14-2)
Most games lost versus any opponent: 17 losses vs. Marlins (3-17)
Record in games played versus division opponents: 52-56 (.481)
Record in games played versus teams outside of division: 55-36 (.604)
Record in games played on weekdays: 52-47 (.525)
Record in games played on weekend days: 50-44 (.532)
Record in games decided by forfeit: 5-1 (.833)
Longest Winning Streak: 18 games (6/23/07 through 8/12/07)
Longest Losing Streak: 8 games (5/18/08 through 6/8/08)
Most games played, won and lost at any park: Winnemac Park (61-39 .610)
Best Winning % at any park: 1.000 (2-0 at Portage Park)
Worst Winning % at any park: .000 (Altgeld, Proviso W., Walther Lutheran)
Record in night games (under lights): 2-5 (.286)
Playoff Berths: 4 (2004, 05, 06, 07)
Record in Playoff Games: 6-8 (.429)
Record on Opening Day: 0-7 (.000)
Most runs scored in a game: 26 runs (26-8 vs. Red Sox, 7/22/07)
Most runs scored in a loss: 13 runs (13-14 vs. Aviators, 6/18/08)
Most runs allowed in a game: 19 runs (7-19 vs. Marlins, 6/21/06)
Greatest Margin of Victory: 21 runs (21-0 vs. Aviators, 5/20/05)
Greatest Margin of Loss: 14 runs (4-18 vs. Vikings, 6/17/06)
Times shutting out an opponent (non-forfeit): 13 times
Times Shutout (non-forfeit): 8 times
Record in games scoring 20+ runs: 4-0 (1.000)
Record in 1 run games: 23-20 (.535)
Record in extra inning games: 9-5 (.643)
Most innings played in any one game: 9 innings (4 times)
Record in games played as part of a doubleheader: 5-5 (.500)

Nexus 2 Trailer

Former Ranger Bob Wacker to shine again.

2008 Ranger's Quote Board

“I already want to kill myself when I get home after making an error, I don’t need someone yelling at me about it!” - The Godfather

(After Emo takes off after Henry) “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that?” - Pedro

"I'll call you in an hour!" - Emo

"You're outta here! No one draws a line in MY dirt" - Ump

"She lied, she told me she was on birth control!" - Isaiah

"I'll punch you in the FACE!" - Swag

Can the Harem do This?

Ball Girl Makes Incredible Catch - Watch more free videos

Rangers vs. Hounds

Courtesy of Yuko

Ranger Fans go Crazy after First Win of Season

Police blame Rangers yobs

Eurosport - Thu, 15 May 17:33:00 2008

A small minority of hooligans were to blame for the violence which marred the Rangers win against the Black Sox according to police and council chiefs.

Hundreds of Rangers fans went on the rampage when a big screen showing the match failed to work just as the game ended

Fifteen officers were injured, as well as a police dog, and 42 arrests were made as hundreds of riot police and supporters fought running battles.

One fan of Rangers' opponents, Black Sox, was stabbed but his injuries were not life-threatening.

The match commander, Assistant Chief Constable Justine Curran, said the response of her officers was "appropriate".

She said: "It was challenging and we were stretched. Our officers did come under a degree of violent attacks. I am happy we responded appropriately. We could not let those minor disturbances affect the day for everybody.

"I am satisfied our reaction was appropriate. I saw officers chased down a street by a baying mob of around 200 people. We had to do something."

The screen that failed was one of eight mounted around Winnemac Park to accommodate more than 100,000 ticketless fans.

Around 11,000 fans were transported by shuttle bus to an alternative screen set up rapidly at Taft High School - but a group of supporters stayed and vented their fury at the police.

Sir Richard said: "We are clearly disappointed that a great night was soured by a number of small people.

"We had an unprecedented number of people come to Winnemac Park, between 100,000 and 150,0000 people. It is the biggest movement of that size for an event of this nature.

"For most of the day and in most parts of the city we had a carnival atmosphere. Most people were good humoured who were a credit to their city.

"Whether it was the big screen going down or a problem with alcohol the behaviour of this small minority of yobs was not acceptable.

"If you are going to put the blame on anyone then it has to be on these people."

A relaxed attitude to fans' drinking in the street - normally outlawed - was adopted as supporters consumed alcohol from breakfast onwards.

Sir Richard added: "Do you really think we were going to stop 100,000-plus Ranger fans wanting to have a drink? It was not possible.

"Trying to enforce that would have created a public order problem."

"I would think that the inquiry should be wider in its scope - there are a number of other aspects to inquire into."

He went on: "Certainly we will give full co-operation on all the matters under our responsibility to such an inquiry."

Pitcher Count

Ranger fans!

The much anticipated Ranger Pitcher count is now up and running! Due to the CFO's incompetence, there may be some missing recipts. If those can be found, that would be much appreciated!

As of today (6/5/08) 34 pitchers have been taken care of.

At this pace, through 7 games, we are on pace for a lackluster 131.14 pitchers. We can and will pick up the pace!

My Typical Day at the Office

Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos

Rangers look to get back on track against the Hounds

The Rangers take the field Wednesday night against the Hounds and will try to get into the win column for the first time this season. In two previous games against the Hounds, the Rangers are 2-0 with a .351 batting average, outscoring them 19-5. They hold an ERA of 2.50 against the Hounds with both James Keathley and Eric Morrissey picking up wins in the two games while also striking out 9.

2008 Chicago Rangers Media Guide

The 2008 Chicago Rangers Media Guide has been released!

Click Here To View/Download

Mr. RedLegs to Make Rehab Start for Chicago Rangers

After an unfortunate fall off of Gapper's ATV last week in Cincinnati before a game with the Cubs, Reds giant head mascot Mr. RedLegs will begin the long road back with at least 1 rehab start for The Chicago Rangers sometime this week.

Mr. RedLegs is expected to make a full recovery but Reds' brass is cautious about his recovery. Reds GM Walt Jocketty had this to say "Look, blows to the head are a serious thing. No one knows that better than those clowns on the Rangers. We're going to send Mr. RedLegs down for a week or so to make a couple of rehab starts. Once the vomiting and dizziness subsides, we'll re-evaluate and hopefully get Mr. RedLegs back up here where he belongs."

Opener Washed Out

Opening Day 2008 has been postponed due to rain. Makeup date to be announced.

Beer and Track Marks

After a productive night at Bash Academy, Ranger hurler and "Rock Band" legend James Keathley asked the only question that matters, "Who wants to go to Gio's?" Although resident Ranger female Mike LaRocco rejected the invitation, new club manager Eric "eMo" Morrissey jumped at the chance to consume his favorite beverage. During this short outing, the fellow hurlers and often times battery mates downed three delicious pitchers of golden mead. Gio's Bar & Grill owned up to its reputation as having the finest drunkards in town. The nights entertainment was provided by a middle-aged, recovered heroin addict and military veteran bearing a close resemblance to our very own Kevin Casey (not in appearance, but in drunken shenanigans). One thing is certain, this man played a mean air guitar.

Be Like Mike

2008 Schedule Released

The 2008 Chicago Rangers schedule has been released. Check the website for details.

Pitcher Count Update

During a tenuous Ranger Winter Meeting in which the new sheriff in town, eMo, laid down the new Ranger Laws, there was some pretty successful drinking done! 10 pitchers were reported to be drunk, as well as a new Green Gio's Shot. While it tasted good, the Rangers needed their 'tussin. The pitcher count is now at 11. No new drinking goals have been set, but the Rangers have over 300 pitchers to go to meet last years lofty record!

Ranger Image Gallery

The much anticipated and high controversial Ranger Image Gallery is now on-line!

The gallery can be accessed through ChicagoRangers.com or directly Here.

New Ranger?

Not so fast! Although the Rangers aren’t shy about making historic ground breaking moves in the CMBA (last year signing 3 black players and playing them all at once) this however isn’t the case. Yes, she wears the uniform well but the Rangers will not be making history by signing and playing the first female player in CMBA history. In a brilliant marketing move to grow their popularity, get a local TV and radio deal, increase revenue and help with the recruiting of new players…the Rangers are in the process of recruiting cute, young females to wear Ranger uniforms and show up at all of their home games. These girls will also be sporting Ranger gear around town as a form of advertising. The Rangers are currently in the process of negotiating with several Wrigleyville bars to have these ladies work as shot girls and/or beer tub girls while wearing the Rangers uniform. Rumor has it the Rangers first ladies will also be hosting a car wash (wearing nothing but bikinis and a Rangers jersey). Big H from Gio’s has also agreed to allow the Rangers to host an oil wrestling match between the ladies with all proceeds going to charity (new uniforms, equipment, beer, slush fund, bail money, etc…). However, that might be changed to a “Foxy Boxing” event because although these ladies are young and cute their motto is: “We don’t wrestle, we beat bitches up!” Isaiah Panatsis who loves the Ranger girls’ attitude backed them up with a strong statement of his own, “take that Electrolytes! What up now??? Our girls ain’t takin shit from nobody; they straight up take all suckas out!” He further commented by saying, “They can and will fuck up everybody and everything and that includes yo couch!”

Where are these fine ladies coming from you may ask? The majority of the girls will be supplied by the Godfather, from his harem. A teary-eyed Luke Luecke (The Rangers former GM) was quoted as saying, “what else can I say about the Godfather?” “That kid continues to contribute to our organization/team on and off the field in more ways than we will ever be able to repay!” He continued by saying, “I wish my lady would go the extra mile for us like this” (oh Luke, as do we all!). The new management released a statement through their in-house PR department (Matt Swary), “Godfather, he gives and give until it hurts…trust me I know firsthand. I’m still sore from the last time we got drunk together!” Former coach Tim “Big Cup” Brannon was unavailable for comment and has yet to return our phone calls. Apparently, he’s too pussy whooped by his new girl to talk to or drink with any of his old teammates when he’s in town.

In closing the Rangers have just one message to the ladies (Between 19 and 27 years old) of Chi-town, “We want you…and if and when we get you, oh boy!”

A Ranger Must See

Rangers kick off 2008 with pool party!

Ranger 2008 Drinking Season Begins

After enduring sub-freezing temperatures, pointless debates, and long winded explanations by CMBA President Ron during the first league meeting of the year, new Ranger management embarked on a ceremonial trip to Hooters. Heartattack and EMO ate, drank, and scouted for pregnant waitresses while discussing their combined vision for the 2008 Rangers. Needless to say, little progress was made. Heartattack had this to say, "It is my hope that this trip can rally Ranger pride and catapult this years drinking to new heights." Let the drinking commence!

New Ranger Regime Takes Over!

The reign of Tim Brannon is OVER! After a few years of making the Rangers in a perennial playoff contender and an unprecedented 2007 CMBA season that brought the Rangers to the Championship Series, Brannon resigned his post as manager to pursue other opportunities. While Jody is heartbroken, the rest of the Rangers are excited for the new regime to take over. Eric "eMo" Morrissey is the new field General and Mike "Heartattack" LaRocco is the new GM/CFO, taking over for a legend in Ranger's history, Luke Luecke, who is reactivating himself onto the team's active roster, just like Roger Dorn in Major League 2 (except he never left the active roster, so it is not really like Major League 2 at all!)! The Rangers owe their existence to Luecke, who came up with the idea to start his own team while driving to Aurora every weekend to play baseball in 2001, his guidance will be missed in the "Front Office" (Gio's Bar Table), but his expert Dart throwing will still remain. While most teammates will question Heartattack's competence, eMo will bring a baseball master strategist's mind to the managerial position. The Ranger's organization will be in good hands for the next several seasons. We wish Tim Brannon the best of luck in his endeavors, there may be a ceremonial burning effigy in his honor on opening day, thus fully freeing the team from his reign of terror.