New Ranger?

Not so fast! Although the Rangers aren’t shy about making historic ground breaking moves in the CMBA (last year signing 3 black players and playing them all at once) this however isn’t the case. Yes, she wears the uniform well but the Rangers will not be making history by signing and playing the first female player in CMBA history. In a brilliant marketing move to grow their popularity, get a local TV and radio deal, increase revenue and help with the recruiting of new players…the Rangers are in the process of recruiting cute, young females to wear Ranger uniforms and show up at all of their home games. These girls will also be sporting Ranger gear around town as a form of advertising. The Rangers are currently in the process of negotiating with several Wrigleyville bars to have these ladies work as shot girls and/or beer tub girls while wearing the Rangers uniform. Rumor has it the Rangers first ladies will also be hosting a car wash (wearing nothing but bikinis and a Rangers jersey). Big H from Gio’s has also agreed to allow the Rangers to host an oil wrestling match between the ladies with all proceeds going to charity (new uniforms, equipment, beer, slush fund, bail money, etc…). However, that might be changed to a “Foxy Boxing” event because although these ladies are young and cute their motto is: “We don’t wrestle, we beat bitches up!” Isaiah Panatsis who loves the Ranger girls’ attitude backed them up with a strong statement of his own, “take that Electrolytes! What up now??? Our girls ain’t takin shit from nobody; they straight up take all suckas out!” He further commented by saying, “They can and will fuck up everybody and everything and that includes yo couch!”

Where are these fine ladies coming from you may ask? The majority of the girls will be supplied by the Godfather, from his harem. A teary-eyed Luke Luecke (The Rangers former GM) was quoted as saying, “what else can I say about the Godfather?” “That kid continues to contribute to our organization/team on and off the field in more ways than we will ever be able to repay!” He continued by saying, “I wish my lady would go the extra mile for us like this” (oh Luke, as do we all!). The new management released a statement through their in-house PR department (Matt Swary), “Godfather, he gives and give until it hurts…trust me I know firsthand. I’m still sore from the last time we got drunk together!” Former coach Tim “Big Cup” Brannon was unavailable for comment and has yet to return our phone calls. Apparently, he’s too pussy whooped by his new girl to talk to or drink with any of his old teammates when he’s in town.

In closing the Rangers have just one message to the ladies (Between 19 and 27 years old) of Chi-town, “We want you…and if and when we get you, oh boy!”