In the wake of Cardinals reliever Josh Hancock’s alcohol-related fatal car accident, Lucas Luecke, chief financial officer of the Chicago Rangers, has handed down alcohol restrictions for the six-year-old franchise.
“We need to keep our Rangers safe and set a good example for all the youngsters out there who aspire to be like their heroes,” Luecke said during a Miller Lite-fueled press conference held at Gio’s 20 minutes before a 9:30 a.m. practice game against the Hounds. “We want everyone to be safe and, more importantly, alive.”
Luecke also laid out the scenarios when the Rangers would be allowed to imbibe, which include:
• After a Ranger hits a home run
• Before a Ranger could potentially hit a home run
• After the Rangers turn a double play
• After the Rangers hit into a triple play
• After a Ranger misses a sign
• After two Rangers miss a hit-and-run sign
• After three Rangers miss a hit-and-run sign
• During manager Tim Brannon’s “don’t argue with the ump” speech
• After Brannon is ejected for arguing with an ump
• To commemorate a long foul ball hit by Luecke
• Celebrating yet another Panatsis on the way
• Chris Rivera’s herpes clearing up
• Mike LaRocco making an overhand cutoff throw
• Matt Swary finding his way to a game
• Mention of a “noozle”
2 comments:
Based on those scenarios, I am bringing 14 cases of beer on Sunday. None of which, will be a home run hit by the Rangers.
What is more likely, me hitting a cutoff man with an overhand throw or us hitting into two triple plays in one game?
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