Top 10 Chicago Rangers Drinkers

So, the idea for the list was thought of, where else, but Gio's. There are many people missing from this list who probably could belong, but they didn't meet enough of the criteria specs. The criteria used for this list goes as follows:

-A player who raises others around them to a new level of drinking

-A player who is funny

-A player who may fall down time to time while intoxicated

-A player who can drink

-A player who is an expert drinker (i.e. doesn't waste beer, can chug, etc.)

-A player who will constantly buy more pitchers for the table

-A player who loves the taste of Gio Shots

-A player who doesn't leave the bar until all beer has been consumed, so like 5-6 hours

-A player who is knowledgeable about the appropriate music to select on the jukebox

-A player who will drink car bombs if his dart misses the dart board

-A player who has parties at his house

This list has been verified by empirical evidence that these are the 10 best drinkers of all-time on the Chicago Rangers:

10) Dan Jeserig- Although "Big Rig" has not been around the Rangers in a couple of years, he would always be the first one to suggest going to Hooters after a Rangers game. He makes the list also because he would buy beer for Tim before he was 21.

9) Keston/Kelvin McCabe- The twins were renowned for their drinking abilities including a shotgun challenge of busch light at the Rangers party in 2004. They were always up for drinking after a game and they were good friends with "hot Estonian" girls.

8) Mike LaRocco- "Heartattack" throws a Rangers party every year at his house after one of the last games at Riis Park. Mike has been quoted as saying that he "loves drinking." We all love drinking Mike, we all do.

7) Dan O'Malley- Dan O'Malley was one of the first people to show up at Gios after a Rangers game. He would get there early, order a couple pitchers of beer and then start pouring them over all the players on the team. Although he loses some spots for wasting beer, Dan's dance to sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows is quite intoxicating. While drinking, Dan has had a history of losing his pants on a neighbor's lawn only to have the Chicago Police Department return them the next day.

6) Bob Wacker- Bob is by trade a Cardinals fan, but that doesn't stop him from partaking in north side drinking outings. Wacker's love of the tasty barley and hops is not lost on the rest of the team as he used to show up to almost all games either drunk or hungover, but that is actually most of the team. He also umped a Loyola baseball game once while drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels on the field. He has been known to fall in closets and moon other Rangers out of a moon roof while the car was moving along Irving Park during a BBQ fight.

5) Isaiah Panatsis- Don't let this guy's quiet demeanor fool you. He can throw back his fair share of alcoholic beverages and then beat you on the dart board. Isaiah never turns down an opportunity to hit the bars. He is one of the first Rangers to arrive at Gios after a Rangers game is one of the last to leave.

4) Tim Brannon- Tim usually needs to drink a couple beers after a game just to calm him down. Tim, known as one of the hottest heads in the CMBA, loves drinking. He is usually one of the few Rangers who are ready for a beer even before a Rangers game has started. He is usually the last guy to leave Gios and does not leave the bar until all beer has been consumed. Tim also makes sure that the table is sufficiently filled with pitchers so no one has the opportunity to slow down their drinking. We all salute you Tim.
3) Kevin Casey- The man of many nicknames usually gets his nicknames while intoxicated. Kevin is known as Captain Cuatro in some circles for his small "size," he is also known as the Godfather due to his drinking prowess. He raises others to new levels of drinking while continually falling off stools. A third nickname, Busch Light, can attributed to Kevin's belief that Busch Light is the best beer that has ever been created. He has been known to throw back a few BL's.

2) Lucas Luecke- One can see Luke partaking in many alcoholic beverages at Gios while in his "pimp suit." One of the best GM's in the league, his drinking has increased since Tim Brannon took over the team in 2005 and who can blame him. Luke also loves drinking and he is an ace on the jukebox as he always selects sunshine lollipops and rainbows. Luke is an expert drinker as he has inked deals with Gios Sports Bar and Hooters as the official sponsors of the Rangers.

1) Jason Thorn- What can you say about this guy? This guy will out drink anyone. He is not shy about taking off his pants to moon you even while driving. This guy elevates everyone to a higher level of drinking with his presence. He has been known to drink many car bombs in one sitting and has an innate ability to chug beer. Thorn will let you know when you are not drinking enough when he tells you to "quit your whining." Thorn is the best drinker on the Chicago Rangers.